‘Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on,’ Mary Schmich wrote in her famous 1997 Chicago Tribune essay ‘Wear Sunscreen.’ ‘Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.’
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This sentiment initially seemed to ring true for Jaclyn, Kate, and Laurie of this season’s The White Lotus. The three childhood friends – who reunite for a Thailand holiday in their 40s –rehash memories that span decades, know the ins and outs of each other’s families, and can call upon a long-lived dynamic or inside joke in the blink of an eye. But if these three women met today, would they even be friends?
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Their behaviour indicates they wouldn’t. At any given time, two of the friends can be found speaking ill of the third, and no one is shy to point out how the other’s behaviour is reminiscent of faulty patterns from their past. It appears resentment has been brewing among these ladies for some time, a dynamic that can inevitably pop up in long-lasting relationships.
It’s natural to outgrow our friends: in fact, research shows we typically replace half our friends every seven years. But according to friendship expert Danielle Bayard Jackson, women in particular continue to stick with childhood friends long after their expiry date. ‘We sometimes make the mistake of conflating relational success with longevity,’ Bayard Jackson tells ELLE. ‘For the women I know who stay in friendships that have expired, it’s because they’ve been friends for so long. They start thinking, “What would it say about me if I couldn’t make this work?”’
Childhood friendships don’t typically end with ease. ‘What’s special about a childhood friendship is the history you share – the knowledge and sensitivity that person has about your triumphs and triggers,' Bayard Jackson explains. According to her, losing someone we’ve known for so long can feel like losing a part of ourselves.
According to Dr. Ashwini Nadkarni, assistant professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School, childhood friendships that last into adulthood have typically already dealt with some level of rupture-and-repair, and as a result, feel closer than newer ones. That said, they also can experience one another as ‘frozen in time.’ When one friend changes, the other may not accept or appreciate the new version of their friend. As much as old memories last, so do old insecurities, rivalries, and jealousies.
We need to feel understood, valued, and affirmed by those around us, says Bayard Jackson, a concept she refers to as social identity support. ‘It’s psychologically distressing when a friend doesn’t see you the way you see you,’ she explains. ‘You’re never going to feel settled, safe, or seen by those people.’ In The White Lotus, the friends don’t always see each other as they are today but rather as they were when they met. ‘We’re still the same people we were in the 10th grade,’ Laurie quips. But are they–or do they just bring out those sides of one another?
‘The other person doesn’t have to be a bad person,’ Bayard Jackson says. ‘It’s about what happens when the two of you come together. Do you like who you are?’ For someone like Laurie, who doesn’t seem to like the role she plays with her childhood friends, Bayard Jackson suggests trying to change those roles. ‘Look for people who can adapt,’ she says. ‘If you see that a friend can’t adapt, then you have to think twice [about maintaining the friendship].’
While some childhood friendships inevitably fall by the wayside, others make great efforts to maintain them. ‘To me, the shared history is worth more than hurting someone’s feelings by ending the friendship,’ says Claire,* a 33-year-old artist. Claire’s friendship circle comprises several friends from childhood, but with some, she admits to leaving the time spent together feeling negative or disconnected. ‘Our lives are just so intertwined by our families, communities, and other friends,’ Claire says. ‘Sometimes I don’t feel like there’s a pathway out.’
Even when she can’t relate to them or old patterns frustrate her, Claire knows all her childhood friends are there for her when she needs them. ‘The past is the best predictor of the future,’ she says. ‘If someone stuck by you through everything you’ve been through, it probably means they’ll continue to down the line. They’ve seen you at every stage of your life and they understand the context around who you are. I think it’s powerful that they’ve bore witness to your growth.’
Bella,* 28, who met both her childhood best friends on the same day of year one and is still friends with one of them, sees their value, too. She, Amy*, and Jessica* were friends all through school but drifted apart during university. When Bella’s mum died when they were 24, Amy returned to be supportive, but Jessica barely called. ‘Amy and I are very different people now than we were when we became friends in year one,' she says. ‘But I’m so happy to have someone in my life again who I’ve known for so long. Now that my mum’s gone, it’s especially nice that I have someone who can reminisce with me and share memories with my new friends and partner about what I was like as a child.’
Will Jaclyn, Kate, and Laurie remain friends after their Thailand vacation? Bayard Jackson would recommend putting history aside. ‘Evaluate the quality of the relationship in the present day,’ she says. ‘Friendship is a completely elective relationship–we don’t have to be here. Do I like spending time with this person? If the answer is no, that says a lot right there.’
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